Nowhere else to go
by Carfa
Summary: It's been 2 weeks since Battle and something is very wrong with Garcia. Morgan is on a mission to find out what. Rated M just in case
1. Notice

"has anybody noticed how different Pen is acting?" Morgan asked Friday morning at the bullpin at BAUs office at Quantico. JJ, Read and Emily were sitter at their desks filing paperwork.

"yea, she's different, but that's probably because of Battle. I mean it's only been 2 weeks" Emily stated.

"No, something is very wrong. She's coming in to work late and she's not focused like she normally is and she's barely talking to anyone of us" Morgan continued.

"I know, but we all handle problem differently" JJ stated.

Morgan knew something was wrong; Pan had shut him out of her life little by little after Battle. Maybe it was because of Kevin? Morgan wasn't sure but something was surly wrong and he was going to find out.

"Statistics show that people who have been a victim in a serious crime often seek answers in different places. Usually they think the answer is outside their normal zones" Reid commented.

Morgan knew this was true. He just hoped that she didn't look way of bounds. He needed to know that his Pen was safe. That she was ok. She had helped him so many times, now he needed to return the favor.

As they were talking they all noticed Pen coming through the door. She was three hours late and she didn't even knowledge them. She went straight to her office. Morgan quickly got of his seat at followed her. He was going to figure out what was wrong. Even if it meant getting himself killed….


	2. Is she ok?

Garcia finally made it to her desk. She had the hangover of all hangovers. She shouldn't be at the office. But if she called in sick the others would know something was wrong and they would look in on her and she didn't want that. She just wanted to be alone. She just wanted to do her work and then go home and forget everything. Garcia just started her babies when there was a knock on the door. She knew who it was…she took a deep breath, plastered on a smile and said "enter hot stuff"

"Hey baby girl, what you doing?"

"you, well in my mind, hot stuff…need anything"

"I just came in here to see if you are ok, you are late and you look like hell"

"why thank you…" Garcia said angry. How dare he comment on how she looked.

Morgan saw that his comment was taken the wrong way. He was that the walls were going up.

"you know, babygirl, I didn't mean it like that. I just mean you don't look like yourself" Morgan said as he sat down next to her. She was wearing sunglasses in a dark room. She was fiddling with her pen. His profiler skills saw that she was hiding something.

"well, try and get shot and see how well you look…"Pen snapped. She was fuming. She had had a long night with no sleep and lots of alcohol and now he was asking hard questions. She just wanted to get away. She wanted to be left alone.

"hey babygirl, chill, I am just concurred that something is wrong"

"nothing is wrong. I just went out last night and drank a little too much. I am not dying, so leave me alone. There is no one here for you to save" Pen said in a bitter tone.

Morgan knew it was time to get out and let her calm down. He knew that she wasn't going to talk to him in this mood.

"All of us are going out tonight and have a drink. I want you to come. We, the unit, need this" Morgan said as he tried to take Pens hand in his but she withdrew it like she had touched a hot stove.

"if it means you leaving me alone, I will go" Pen said and turned her back to him and started to work with her computers. Morgan hung his head and sighed. She wasn't his baby girl anymore. She didn't want him around anymore.

Morgan just said "thank you" in a soft voice and left the room. As he left the room, Pen got her purse and bulled out the bottles of pills. She just wanted peace. Everytime she closed her eyes he was there with the gun. Every time she just relaxed the hairs on her neck stood and she got scared from every sound. She just wanted to escape and now Morgan was asking questions. She didn't want to deal with him and his hero complex. She didn't want saving, she just wanted out.

She opened the bottles and popped 4 pills in her mouth. She took a big chunk of her water and relaxed in her chair and felt the world disappear.


	3. Need to feel numb

Five O'clock rolled around and it was time for Garcia to go home, thank god! The day had been rough. After slowing the pills she got a moment of solace; however that was abruptly broken when JJ came in to talk about a case. She had to look at horrible pictures of murdered women. After an hour and a half JJ left and Garcia could breath. She'd been concentrating on keeping up appearances. She got her purse and swallowed 4 more pills. She prayed for the day to end; however one after one the members of her team had come in to ask her to look up one horrible crime after another. It didn't matter how many pills she took, it was still suffocating her.

Garcia turned her babies of and grabbed her jacket. She didn't want to meet the group tonight. Maybe she could sneak out without them noticing it, maybe if she took the stairs. She walked fast and was almost at the door when Morgan called out "I'll pick you up at 8, sugar". Pen took a breath and turned around gave him a nod and then left.

Garcia got down to the garage and almost ran to her car. She couldn't breathe; she needed to get out of there fast! She opened the car door and quickly got in and drove Esther out of the building. She drove to the nearest liquorstore and bought three bottles of vodka. She needed to feel numb tonight.

She drove home. Once in her apartment she opened the first bottle and chugged it down. She opened her purse and popped 4 more bills. She cried, she didn't want to feel. How much did they expect her to cope with? She wanted them all to go away. The feeling of Battle never goes away. She tried scrubbing him off but it didn't help. She tried sleeping pills but they didn't work…nothing worked. She just wanted to feel normal again.

The anger took over and her hand reached out for the lamp on the table. She took it and threw it with all her might against the wall. Then her mind went blank. She was in rage; she picked up the next thing and threw it and then the next. With every throw another memory of Battle surfaced. She needed the demon to go away. When there was nothing less to throw she slumped down on the couch and opened the next bottle.

After a while she looked at the clock. It was 7.30. She knew Morgan was coming soon. She didn't want him in the apartment. She couldn't let him see this mess. She got off the couch and stumbled to the bedroom. She got into the shower and did her makeup. She picked out an outfit. At 7.55 she was done. She looked in the mirror. She saw the Penelope she used to be with one exception, her spark was gone.

She got out to the street just as Morgan pulled up. She smiled and got in the car.

"Woman, are you drunk?"

"Yea, sorry, I started a little early. I just felt like taking a drink when I was getting ready, I guess I got too much"

"Ok, let's go to the bar the others are already there"

Once they got to the bar, they got out of the car. Derek always the gentleman opened the door to the bar. He took her jacket and handed them both in. Garcia looked over at the table where the group was sitting. How was she going to cope tonight? She felt Morgan's hand on her back; he was guiding her to the table.

She got to the table and got second thoughts "I'm going to the bar, anybody want anything?" she asked in a hurry and left.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked.

"Vodka on the rocks and keep'em coming". She got the drink and swallowed it fast and signaled the bartender for one more. Maybe she could just sit at the bar and drink all night?

"slow you roll, babygirl" ….or maybe not.


	4. The man

"slow you roll, babygirl" ….or maybe not. Couldn't he just leave her alone?

:::::::::::::::::

"I'm a grown woman Derek. I can do what the hell I want"

Garcia took the new drink and chugged it down. Tonight she was going to have fun. Tonight she was going to do whatever she wanted. When she put her drink down she noticed a guy looking at her from the other side of the bar. She smiled and winked at him. The man got up and walked towards her. Tonight she was going to forget everything that was related to the Battle and the BAU and that included Derek Morgan.

"you wanna dance?" She looked at the man. He was a nice looking man. She took one glance at Derek. He looked like he was going to kill the man.

"No she doesn't" Derek said and took a step so he was right between Garcia and the man. He wasn't gonna let this man take advantage of his baby girl. Derek stared at the man as Derek tensed up his body to make him look even bigger. Pen was in shock. Derek couldn't do that. He didn't make her decisions. She was getting really pissed off.

"Back of Derek…" She said angrily and moved him out of her way. She smiled at the man and said; "I would love to dance". She took the man's hand and led him to the dance floor. The man took one more look at Derek and gave him a smile that made Derek just boil. Derek started to move towards the dance floor. He was getting his girl but a hand made him stop.

"let her be" Derek turned towards the voice and found Hotchner standing there. His eyes told Derek to back off. Hotch had witnessed the whole scene and he saw that Derek was on his way to destroy his friendship. Derek needed to ease down. Derek took one last look at Garcia and the followed Hotch back to the table. He might not get his girl right now but he was not letting her out of his sight tonight.

Hours past and Derek saw how Pen was getting more and more drunk. They guy just seem to load her up with drinks. One by one the members of the team started to go home but Derek staid, he needed to protect her. As he turned down yet another woman, he saw that the man was getting a little bit too frisky with Pen. He was kissing Pen all over and touching her body. Pen was barely conscious, she was wasted. That was it. Derek wasn't gonna let her get raped tonight. Derek got of his seat and moved towards the couple.

"Get your hands of her"

"why, she aint taken" the man said with a smile and continued to kiss Pens neck. Morgan lost it, he took a hold of the man and tore him of Pen and threw him away.

"I said hands off" The man looked at Derek with eyes to kill. Then his eyes noticed the badge on Derek's belt and the man got all white in the face. He raised his hands and backed away

"chill man, I get it"

Derek turned his attention towards Garcia and collected her in his arms. She could barely stand on her own, let alone make any decisions. He needed to take her away from this place. He needed to help her. He lifted her up into his arms and started to walk towards the door.

"I'm getting you out of here, baby girl"


	5. The apartment

Morgan carried her out of the bar. He opened the car and placed her in the passenger seat. She was out cold. She was wasted. Morgan took a breath, caressed her cheek and whispered; "what's going on baby girl". Morgan closed her door and walked around the car, got in and drove to her apartment. During the drive he stole glances of Pen.

Morgan pulled up to her apartment. The block was silent and dark. Derek turned the engine of and walked around to the passenger door. He got Garcia out of the car and led her into her building. He half carried her up the stairs. Once at her door he realized he needed a key. He took her purse and opened it. He got the keys, but a bottle of pills fell out. Derek picked up the bottle. It said codeine on the label. Why was Garcia still taking them? She took these the first couple of days after the shooting, for pain. They were very strong and highly addictive.

"Garcia why are you still on codeine?" Derek asked but got no response. He took a hold of her chin and said sternly "GARCIA, why are you still on codeine?"

Pen opened her eyes a bit and whispered "I need peace". Then she was out again. Derek sighed and stroked her hair. He needed to get her into bed. This was starting to become to much for him. How was he supposed to handle all this?

Derek opened the door to the apartment and he was shocked at the sight that met him. The apartment was completely trashed. Derek's instincts took over. He leaned Pen against the wall outside the apartment and then pulled his gun. He whispered to Garcia "stay here".

He moved into the apartment. He checked the bedroom, bathroom and the kitchen, but there was nobody there. He walked towards the door and saw that Pen had gotten into the apartment. She was no standing the middle of the livingroom, looking at her surroundings.

"Baby girl, what happened?"

"I just felt angry…it's nothing"

Morgan's eyes nearly left his body. How could she do this? It looked like somebody just went bananas and trashed the place. "Nothing….Garcia, you did this?" He was how she stared to dose of again and he barely got to her before her legs gave out. He helped her to her bed. He laid her down and pulled the covers over her. This was way too much for him to handle. He needed help, he needed support. Morgan pulled out his phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hotch, you need to get the team and get to Garcia's apartment. I need help"

"What happened?"

Morgan closed his eyes and took a breath. "Just get here Hotch"

Hotchner could hear that he was needed. He could hear the plea in Morgan's voice. "on my way"

Derek looked around and just collapsed on the floor. What had happened to his babygirl?


	6. Intervention

The morning stun streamed into Garcia's eyes. She tried to block it out. Did she forget to pull the blinds down when she got home? Wait, how did she get home? Garcia tried to climb out of bed but she fell right back down. God! Her head hurt like hell. She tried a second time, this time she made it all the way to the bathroom and all the way to the toilet as her guts came out. God, she hated the day after. At least she didn't have a one night stand that she needed to kick out.

She flushed the toilet and brushed her teeth. As she walked out of the bathroom she noticed something was wrong. Her living room was invaded by her friends. She looked around the room; they looked like somebody had died. Morgan couldn't even look at her. He was hiding behind Hotchner. He looked crushed.

"What's going on?" Pen asked and held her arms around herself. She was not feeling well and their appearance made it very clear that they were not gonna make her feel better.

"We are all here because we love you, but we know you are having problems" JJ stated and looked at the group.

Garcia's head was spinning. "What?"

"Garcia we love you" Prentiss continued.

"We know that in the last two weeks you've been spiral out of control and we want to help" Hotchner said as he moved towards her. Garcia was in shock. How dare they come into her home and say these things to her.

"I don't have a problem"

Rossi took a step forward and showed her a bottle of pills. "Pen, Morgan found these in your purse when he was looking for your keys last night"

Garcia was furious, how dare they inject themselves in her life. Couldn't they just leave her alone? She didn't ask or need this. She looked around the room and her eyes found Derek's. She walked over to him and ended up in his face. She was inches from him.

"You went through my purse" she said angry. Her eyes told Derek what she hated him in that moment.

Morgan saw that he needed to get through to her. She didn't understand what he and the others wanted her to get. "Baby girl….you are sick and also, what you are doing is illegal"

"Derek, I am warning you, back of" Garcia said very harshly. She needed him to back off. She couldn't take this, she wasn't going to take this.

Morgan was angry. Why wasn't she listening to him? What was she trying to do? Push him and all her friends away. "No, I won't. If the tables were turned you wouldn't back of"

"Well, the tables aren't turned, because the big hero SSA Derek Morgan, never does anything wrong" that was a low blow and she knew it, but she was mad….no she was pissed. They had trapped her in her own apartment. She needed out, she needed air. She started walking pack and forth like a caged animal.

They all knew she was showing classical addict behavior. She was lashing out towards them to make them forget about her.

Derek was at his whit's end. He needed to make her understand. Make her understand what she meant to him and the group. "You know that isn't true, baby let me help"

No, she had enough. She walked up to Derek a second time and got in his face. "Derek, back the hell of"

Derek wasn't going to back down. She needed to get it and that time was now. "No woman, I will not back of even if it kills me. Why are you taking drugs!"

"Damit Derek" Garcia yelled and throw the first thing she could get her hands on, which happened to be a glassbowl. "I don't want or need this" she stated as she looked at the group. The group was blown away. They had never seen Pen like this; she was always the chipper one. She was always the one helping others. Rossi, Hotchner, JJ, Reid and Prentiss looked on as the sparring match between Morgan and Garcia went on. They knew if anybody could get to Garcia it was Morgan.

Morgan stood his ground "Tough, you are getting this".

Garcia gave up looking at him. She saw her keys on the table. This was her time to move. She grabbed the keys and ran towards the door. Morgan read her mind and placed himself between the door and Pen. Pen just got even angrier. "I'm leaving. Get the hell out of my way Derek!"

"No, I won't, not until you talk to us"

"I am not talking to you. Just leave me the hell alone!" Garcia said and shoved Morgan out of the way. She just got the door open when she heard Morgan say;

"That's it" and then he had picked her up and thrown her over his shoulder. The others were flabbergasted. What was happening?

"What the hell Derek, put me down!" Pen screamed and hit in the back.

"No, I am taking you away, we need to deal with this" Morgan said and looked at the group. They knew what he was doing. He was going to get her sober and make her understand. Rossi walked up to Derek and handed him a set of keys.

"Derek, here, keys are to my cabin, it's secluded"

Morgan took the keys and gave Rossi a semi smile "thanks Rossi". Morgan took one last look around the room. The eyes of his friends told him that what he was doing was the right thing. He needed to fix this and he was the only one who could get through to her. Then he walked out of the apartment.

"No, Derek, put me down"


	7. The cabin

The car ride was quite, you could hear a needle drop. Garcia was looking out of the window, she didn't knowledge that Derek was there and that he kept looking at her. After about an hour and a half the car pulled up to the cabin. Derek got out of the car and took a long look of the surroundings.

There were no houses in sight. The house was surrounded by fields. There were trees at the end of one field. It was breathtaking. It was like a painting. The house itself looked like a cabin, small and cosy.

Derek walked over to Pen's door. He opened it and looked at Pen. She was not moving a muscle.

"Can you get out?"

"No" Pen stated and folded her arms. She knew she was being childish but she didn't care. She was not going to make this easy for HIM. The jackass who thinks he's in charge.

Morgan sighed, rubbed his eyes and begged. "Come on Pen, get out"

"No, you kidnapped med and expect me to go along with you!" she yelled in anger. Did he expect her to be nice to him after what he did to her?

Morgan was getting pissed of. He hadn't slept in 24 hours and his patience was starting to become empty. "You want me to carry you, cuz I will"

Garcia got out of the car and went into the house. She went straight to the bathroom and looked the door behind her. She didn't want him around. Hours past but Garcia was not coming out.

After the sun had set, Derek made dinner. It smelled great. However, he knew he wasn't getting her out so he left her be. After another half-hour she came out, sat down at the table and ate. Derek just let her eat; he wasn't going to push her. He knew that detox was hard enough at this moment in time.

After they ate, Pen started to feel tired. She went searching for a bed and found a master bedroom. The bed was huge. She crawled up and as her head hit the pillow, she was out cold.

When Garcia woke up it was pitch black. The curtains were pulled over the window. She could feel Derek sleeping next to her. She turned her body and looked at him. He looked so peaceful. She listened for a moment to his breathing mixed with the crickets from the fields. She needed to get out of there. She could feel her body getting anxious and in need of pills. She needed some time to think. She needed air.

She moved Derek's arm slowly from her waist. He didn't wake up. She let out her breath and was almost out of bed when she felt her hand getting stuck. What the hell! She tried to move it.

"You'd really think I'd sleep without having some precautions" Morgan was looking straight at her with a smile.

"You cuffed me to you!"


	8. Rock bottom

"You'd really think I'd sleep without having some precautions" Morgan was looking straight at her with a smile.

"You cuffed me to you!"

Pen was pulling at the cuffs, trying to make them loosen. She was in panic, she needed to get out. Her whole body was on fire, and at the same time not.

Morgan was tired, angry and so not in the mood. How much more? He got off the bed as Pen started to pull on the cuffs. It hurt like hell, didn't she feel it to?

"Hell yes, I cuffed you to me. You proved right now why I did it"

"Derek, you can't go cuffing me to you!" Pen screamed at Morgan. She tried to shove him away, but one resulted in that she was shoved along because of the cuffs. He was getting on her last nerve.

"Why not, I am here to help you but you won't let me come within 10 feet of you" Morgan pleaded with her. He tried to look her in the eyes, but every time he found them she turned away.

"I don't want help...I want..." Pen sighed. She was just out of energy. She needed to rest but her body won't let her.

"You tell me, what do you want?" Derek said and but his finger under her chin, lifted it up and finally he was her eyes.

"What I want is to be let alone. I need time" Pen whispered as a single tear ran down her cheek. Derek saw the battle with in her. He saw that she needed the time.

"Fine, I'll uncuff you but know this; if you run I will come after you. I love you too much to let you destroy your life and with that mine" Derek said and whipped away the tear. He then pulled out the key from around his neck. He opened the cuffs and sighed. He leaned in towards Pen very slowly and whispered; "please, ask for help" into her ear and then kissed her cheek.

Pen looked at Derek with sad eyes. She couldn't let him see her like this. She needed to be alone. Her body was on fire. She dashed into the bathroom and looked the door behind her.

Derek flung down on the bed and closed his eyes. He wanted so bad to shake her and make her understand that he wanted to help her. He could hear the water running inside the bathroom. He could hear Pen crying. She was trying to cover that up. Why couldn't she let him see her sad?

After an hour, Derek could still hear the water running. What was taking her so long? Derek walked over to the door and knocked gently.

"Pen, are you ok?...please Pen open the door" There was no answer. Something was wrong, Derek cold feel it. The hairs on his neck stood up. His mood changed in a split of a second. He banged hard on the door.

"Open the damn door...Pen I will break it...open" There was still no answer. Derek took a step away from the door and kicked on the door. Thanks to his training, the door flung open and Derek ran inside. What he found was one of his worst nightmares; Pen was sitting on the floor in the shower fully clothes. Her lips were blue and she barely conscious. He jumped into the shower. The water was freezing. Had she been in this the whole time? He flipped the tap so warm water came out. He then jumped into the shower and cradle Pen in his arms.

"Oh my good Pen, what are you doing...it's freezing" Derek felt the warm water raining on them. She needed to get warm and fast.

"I just wanted to get cooler...I am on fire" Pen said slowly. She was not in her right mind.

"Babygirl..." Derek stated. He could feel the tears rolling down his face. He could not stand seeing her in this state. She was always the strong and happy one. She was always rescuing her, not the other way around.

Garcia opened her eyes and looked at Derek.

"Derek, help me" she pleaded with him. She had finally hit rock bottom.

"I am right here...I got nowhere else to go" Morgan said and kissed her head as they sat on the shower floor.


	9. Love

"Derek, help me" she pleaded with him. She had finally hit rock bottom.

"I am right here...I got nowhere else to go" Morgan said and kissed her head as they sat on the shower floor.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It seemed that they sat in the shower for ages, but no one really cared. They were so caught up in the moment. Derek knew that he had to lay everything on the line for Garcia to get well. The sun had started to rise as Derek shut of the water. He got up and started to undress. He didn't care about being naked. This was not a time for sexuality; this was a time for love. He put on a robe and then helped Pen out of the shower. He stared into her eyes as he undressed her. He saw her soul. He kissed her nose and pulled a robe on her. Derek then led Garcia out on the porch. He sat her down on the sofa, looked into her eyes and kissed her softly on her lips.

"Please stay here, I am going to get us some coffee" and then he walked into the house. Pen took a long took around the fields. Then she took a deep breath and relaxed. Five minutes later he came out with two cups. He gave her one and then sat down next to Pen on the sofa. He placed his arm around Pan and the quietly watch the sun go up. It was a new day.

After a few hours, Pen rose from the sofa and walked inside. Derek followed her inside and into the bedroom. As he walked into the room he could feel the tension. Pen was getting dressed. She had sweats on but she looked beautiful to Derek. He walked over to his bag and pulled out some clothes and got dressed. The whole time Pen was watching him, studying him. He knew from all of his experience from profiling that she was trying to figure him out. She was looking for answers.

"What do you want from me, are you going to leave me?" Pen asked. Was he going to leave her like the rest always did?

"Oh Baby girl, I want you. Can't you see that? I love you and always have" There, Derek had finally said it. He loved her. He could see that she was shocked by that statement. Her eyes opened big and her breathing became slow. Derek took a small step forward and then another. Soon he was standing in front of her. He looked into her eyes:

"I love you" and then he kissed her. The moment she felt his lips on her, everything was a dream. His lips were so soft, so tender. She could feel his love. But at the same time she was scared, scared of being loved. She broke the kiss and pulled away from Derek.

"I'm sorry Derek. I need some air" She ran out through the door. She couldn't breathe. She took off towards the field. She could hear Morgan calling after her. She could hear his footstep as he ran after her. She needed an out. It was just too much.

The rain started to fall down. You could see the lightning far away. Penelope was getting soaking wet as she ran. The rain against her skin felt like the world came down on her shoulders.

Derek finally caught up with her. He grabbed her hand and made her look at him. "Babygirl.."

"Derek, I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. I have lost my way. I don't know how to get back. I don't know where to go" Garcia yelled through her tears. She could feel the tears falling down. She wanted to scream to the world to fuck of. She wanted peace. "Why are you doing this Derek, I am not worth it!"

"Baby girl, you are my everything. You're never gonna be alone, you are my life. I will protect you for every moment in my life" Morgan's heart was acing. He saw how bad she was hurting. He wanted so bad to take her hurt way. He wanted her to understand how much she meant to him.

"I can't accept that Derek. I can't be the person who asks that of you. Pack your bags and walk away" She couldn't deal with this. She needed to be alone. He was pushing too much. She was going to break. She wasn't going to make it. She looked at Derek with hopeless eyes. She just wanted to push him away.

Morgan was getting angry. Couldn't she see how much she meant to him? How could she think he would be better off? He had enough, she needed to understand

"Listen to me silly girl, I got nowhere else to go. I won't let you fall…" Derek yelled at her as he took a step towards her. Couldn't she see that she was everything he had? She was his all.

No, no, no. He couldn't say that. He couldn't make her crumble. She felt her walls falling down. "Derek please, I can't handle this. I need an out" she pleaded with him. She was just tired.

Derek took another step towards Garcia and whispered "tough, I am not leaving. You got me forever". That made Penelope crack. She broke down. She started to fall towards the ground but before she hit the hard ground, Derek caught her in his arms and held her. He held her for dear life. He held her like he would lose her if he let go.

He kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear; "Penelope I'd fight for you, I would give my life for you. I will always be there for you"


	10. Healing

_Hey Guys,_

_I am back! I am sorry I haven't updated in a while but I haven't had any inspiration. In this part I am using parts of the lyrics from Michael Bolton and Delta Goodrem's song I'm not ready._

_Enjoy and please feedback!_

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They sat there what seemed to be forever, feeling each others comfort. Finally of pure exhaustion Derek rose from the ground and the helped Pen up. No one said a word, it was all about feelings. They walked slowly back to the house hand in hand. Once inside the house, Derek led them into the bathroom. He slowly let go of Pen's hand, kissed her forehead and looked into here eyes

"I am here, ok"

Pen just nodded and stood still and looked on while Derek turned on the shower and started to peel away his soaking clothes. Pen knew what was going to happen. Her mind screamed run but her heart screamed stay. She loved Derek above everything, but could she put him through all of her troubles?

After a moment she noticed Derek watching her with tender and loving eyes. He was completely naked and with his eyes asking her to let him enter her space. She stood frozen for a second waying her options but finally she gave a small nod. Derek took a step closer and started to undress her. With each soft and gentle touch one of her wounds started to heal in her heart and soul. After a long time she was also naked but she didn't feel scared on ugly, she felt loved and safe. It was all Derek.

He took her hand and helped her into the warm shower. Pen stood under the spray with her back toward Derek felling the water run down her body. Slowly she felt Derek's hand on her back running up and down in a comforting pattern. She knew where this was heading but what she ready? As if Derek had read her mind he whispered;

"You are in charge. I'm here for you. I love you"

Penelope slowly turned towards Derek and saw him, standing there vulnerable. She looked into his eyes and slowly kissed him. Derek carefully started to kiss her back. They took their time just being so close and intimate with each other. Finally Derek shut of the shower and climbed out of the tub and picked up a towel and then handed one to Pen. Once they were dry they walked hand in hand into the bedroom and got under the covers. Derek turned to his side and pulled Pen into his arms and there they laid till sleep took them both.

A while later derek was awaken by the sound of his car starting. He flung out of bed and saw that Pen was nowhere to be found.

"Shit"

He ran out the house just as the car pulled away.

"Pen, wait please!" he screamed after her. But he could do anything, the car was gone. He walked slowly into the house and saw a note on the kitchen table.

_Derek,_

_I'm not ready to say goodbye. You and God both know all the years that I've tried and if it's over, give me the strength to go cause I know I'm never going to be ready to say goodbye, but I have to._

_I love you_

_Your Babygirl_

And then and there Derek fell to the floor and cried.

TBC


	11. Empty

The first day of Pen missing was the hardest for Derek. He ransacked his and her apartment as well as her office at the BAU looking for something that would tell him where she was. But nothing was found. That night Hotch and Rossi found Derek drunk of his ass at the bar. They sat down beside him and ordered a couple of beers more. The three of them sat in silence for a while.

"I can't find her" Derek said trying not to fall apart.

"I know. She's gone underground and we all know Pen, she's not gonna be found" Hotch stated and took a sip from his beer.

"I can't lose her. I love her"

"Derek, she will come back when she is ready. You got to trust your faith in her for that" Rossi said and looked over with a worried look at Hotch. They knew Derek was going to break with Pen gone. The whole team knew that Pen meant everything to Derek. She was the one that kept him from going crazy during the cases and in his life.

"lets get you home" Hotch said and rose from his chair as Rossi rose from his.

"my home left with Pen. It's just an empty dark house now" Derek said and sighed.

"come on" Rossi said and led Derek out from the bar. They got Derek home safe and helped him into bed. As they left they could swear that they could hear him cry.

Two months went by and Derek was a wreck. The team saw that he wasn't sleeping. He snapped at people and he secluded himself. They even tried to help him by flying in him mom but not even that helped. Finally Hotch was forced to order him to go the a psychologist. Hotch was prepared for a fight but Derek just gave in and reported in at the psychologist office that afternoon.

After a few weeks they saw how Derek started to live again. They saw how he started to smile again. He started to go out with the team again for drinks and having fun. But in the back of everyone's mind was the fact that the anniversary of Pen's parents death was coming up. They were all afraid of how Derek would act.

The day before the anniversary, Derek walked into Hotch's office and asked for a couple of days of.

"Are you going to California?" Hotch asked.

"yes, I have to know" Derek answered.

"And if she is there, what are you going to say?"

"I don't know..I..." Derek tried to answer.

"ok, be careful and if you see her, please remind her that we miss her and want her back"

"sure" Derek said and left the office. He drove home and packed a bag and took the next flight of to California. The whole way there his mind went over different scenarios of how if would be to see her and talk to her if she showed up.

He got of the plane and drove straight to the hotel and went to bed. The next morning he woke up early and went to the cemetery. He walked around for a while until he found the plot. He looked around but there was no Pen anywhere. He sat down on a bench right next to the grave. Hour and hour went by but still no Pen. When the sun started to set Derek finally gave up. She wasn't going to come. He looked at the grave. This was his chance and it had to see her but it had been taken from him. H could feel tears rolling down his face.

"I want you to know that I love your daughter" he said to Pen's parents grave. "I would have given my life for her. She was the one for me. I wanted to marry her and have babies with her. I would have given her everything. I knew you are looking out for her wherever she is. Please keep her safe. I love her" Derek said and turned to leave and there she stood, beautiful as ever. The woman he loved and craved. She had tears on her face and a nervous smile.

"I love you too"


	12. The talk

Hi guys!

Thanks for all the reviews, they are so inspiring! The next part contains lyrics from Three doors downs song _It's the only one you've got_.

Enjoy the next part!

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Both just stood still absorbing each other with their eyes. After a few moments Derek came out of the trans, took a few steps and engulfed Garcia with a kiss. The world stood still around them. Finally she was in his arms again safe. After a while they broke the kiss and sat down on the bench beside the grave.

Derek didn't know where to start. He had so much to say but nothing was coming out. HE just sat there looking at Pen. All he wanted was her and now that she was sitting in front of him he just couldn't say what he wanted to say. Finally he nervously asked; "How are you?"

Pen broke a small smile and took his hand in hers "It's ok Derek. Ask the question"

"Why?" was all Derek could formulate. He was exhausted. Months of searching, worrying and longing made him drain everything he had. Now that she was there, he could let some of it go. In some weird way all the emotions came tumbling. He was angry, sad, happy and so much more in one moment. He wanted to kiss her, yell at her and hug her all at the same time. His mind was going crazy.

"I was scared, in withdrawal and in love with you. I knew I couldn't give myself to you without coming to terms with who I was...who I am." Pen answered. She could feel the tears starting to come. No! She was going to be strong. She knew if she started she couldn't stop. She took a deep breath and looked at Derek. She saw that he was a bundle of emotions. He was wearing his heart on his sleeve. She knew she could really hurt him if she couldn't make him understand why she did why she did.

"I could have helped you. I was helping you" Derek pleaded. She was so darn hardheaded. Couldn't she see that he would die for her.

"I know, but I couldn't make you give everything up for me" Pen whispered and wiped away a tear that had rolled down her cheek slowly. She couldn't let Derek's life get destroyed the way hers had.

Derek took a step towards Pen, took her hand and held it against her heart. His eyes looked into hers as he whispered "I would. I would drop everything for you". Pen drew back her hand as if it had gotten burned. She took a step back. She had to put some distance between them. All she wanted to do was jump into his arms and never leave but she couldn't do that until he understood her.

"I know, that's one of the reasons I left. I didn't want to take that away from you. I needed to do this alone"

Derek was starting to get really pissed. Why was she so fucking hardheaded. "Why is it so fucking hard for you to let somebody in?" he yelled. He was so sick and tired of all this shit. He was done playing around. He wanted answers and he wanted them now. "You hide behind your walls. Not letting anybody see the real you. You always acted like you were perfect. Why couldn't you show that you were falling apart?" he continued.

"Because...because when I let somebody in, I always get hurt in the end. I couldn't deal with anymore heartache. I was at my limit. I made too many mistakes to make them right." Pen screamed back. She was tired of getting hurt. She was done!

Derek was shocked. He didn't see that coming, she had really hid the person she was from him. He saw that she was at that limit yet again. He needed to make her understand how he saw her and how he felt about her. "Your mistakes do not define who you are, they tell you who you're not. You are not a bad person, you are not a cruel person. You are a loving, caring person who needs to learn to ask for help" Derek stated and took a hold of Pens hand. He needed to touch her. He missed her touch so bad. Whenever he was upset she would hug him and talk to him and make him feel better.

"I know that now. I needed some time by myself to figure that out" Pen answered and squeezed his hand.

"You could have said goodbye. I deserved that" Derek stated. He felt betrayed when she left. She took his heart with her that day.

"I knew that if I had tried, you would have made me stay"

"Dam straight I would. I would chain myself to you and never let you go. I love you" said and gave a crooked smile. He was so in love with her that he would have done anything to keep her with him.

"And I didn't want that...come on. I want to show you something" Pen said and motioned for him to follow. They both got into Pens car and drove away from the cemetery. The drove for about a half an hour. Nobody said anything ion the car. They sat there thinking about what to say but nothing came out. Finally Pen stopped the car and motioned Derek to follow. They walked into a pretty run down place. Inside there were people of all ages and colors. Derek took one look around and he figured out where they were.

"What are we doing here?" he asked as they sat down. The chairs were placed in a circle. People started to sit down and soon the circle was full.

"please just listen" Pen said as an older man stood up.

"Welcome everybody. We all are here with an open mind and focus on our goals. So, who wants to start?" He asked and looked at the group. Pen raised her hand.

"yes please go ahead" the man said and sat down. All eyes were on Pen. She looked around the group and her eyes finally ended up looking into Derek's. She took a deep breath and then said: "Hi, my name is Penelope and I am a drug addict."


End file.
